I was looking through some of my recently deceased Dad's old writing, and was inspired by the words he wrote, and the emotion he imparted through them.  I wrote a song to express how this particular piece he wrote affected me.  I am in the process of recording the song.  These are the lyrics:

Light (of My Life)

At the end of this life
When my day is done,
And my fire is gone...

At the end of this road
Will you be standing there
To bring me where?

Where the light of Your life
Is the fire I can't deny,
And your love that brought me through
Has brought me here.

Like a flame in the wind
That flickers and fades
So be my numbered days.

But on that dusty road
Will be wet with my tears,
Because you will meet me there.

Where the light of Your life
Is the fire I can't deny,
And your love that brought me through
Has brought me here.

A newborn child and the death of a parent are milestones in any person's life, and so was the circumstances for me. In under a month I lost My Dad and got my son Zakary. We knew that Zak was coming and had prepared for it in the months previous to his imminent birth. Dad's passing came as a shocking surprise on one dark night.

I don't remember a lot of things that my teachers told me in my younger years. But, I do remember one saying that the best written stories aren't muddied down by the words on the page. I'm hoping that the words here aren't the muddy water I suppose they could be.

It amazes me at the different point of views that I had of my father through the years that I had known him on this side of eternity. In the earliest parts of my life I found him the strict leader and disciplinarian. I thought at the time he was trying to take my fun away. But, he was guiding me into the good habit of good work ethics...when a man can be trusted at his word and he desires to do a good job at work for other people's sake rather than just the means to gain financial gain. In my teens and twenties, he was the patient father waiting for his wayward son to return.

I found that as I reached my thirties (and after a subsequent conversion to Christianity,) that my old man wasn't as unintelligent as I'd once thought. And, though I don't agree with all of his methods I do realize that he did the best with what tools he had, as we all do. Each man's entire life is riddled with contradictions, and problems, and mysteries.

And, blessing.

Zak came on October 13^th, and started very early in the morning. Despite all of my preparations and calm patience three o'clock in the morning after a Tylenol PM (when one is not accustomed to such medications) the situation became “TV-ish”. After having a full Monday of walking the mall and conversation, and being sent home from the hospital because Jennifer wasn't dilated enough I took one Tylenol...which I never do. I knocked me out...so much that when Jen came into the bedroom to wake me up at three I was dead the world. Three hours later I was able to move, and get her to the delivery room. It was very nerve-wracking to witness, but an indescribable blessing to see the birth of my son, and actually play a part in the delivery. (I was helping with her right leg.)

I understood my father just a little more.

Then, my mother decided to take our advice and tear down their dilapidated home. I understand him just a bit more. I see that although he didn't build that house with his own hands (the structure of it, that is,) he did his best to put life into it. And, now that I have gained an understanding and greater respect for the decision making skills and foresight my regret is that I am not able to tell or show him now what I have learned. But, I do have a son into which I can pour my blessings into.

Jennifer is cooking in the kitchen. Lexi is playing Wii. Zak is sleeping peacefully in his room. Life is as normal as it can get...(as I write this I can't help but wonder what comes next in the inevitable strings of life.)

This isn't my first attempt. I have done this before. So, why does it seem so unfamiliar to me? With the advent of the internet, everyone and their mother has access to the World Wide Web. This new thing was supposed to make our lives easier. I heard that at sometime in the 1950's that by the time 2000 rolled around that the daily work load would be minimized to three hours a day.

Didn't work.

Not only did technology make things "not easier", one practically needs either a masters degree, (or a teenager) to be able to navigate through today's 1's and 0's.

Well, good thing God doesn't change.

Ever.

That's a comfort that we can trust in every day.

Another Sunday, like any other Sunday.

It is also the Sunday before Christmas, the time of the year we are to reflect upon the coming of a Child whose destiny was (and is) to change the universe.

Times are tough. They have always been tough. In every aspect of society, in every time period of men since the beginning of time, and through all cultural ties we have this in common, and that is struggle. The political and the rich struggle with their desires to contrive and keep power, feeding their greedy obsessions with more and more earthly things. The poor struggles jealously with the lack of those things the rich possess. Each in our own fighting that which is within, and that which is without...

Solutions have always been as rampant and disgusting as the sin that ails them. A thousand years ago one would seek a witch, or soothsayer for answers...or a religious priest or priestess to atone for them. Today, a pill, or shrink will subvert...for a time. This and more in a conventional world.

But conventional means have only always been conventionally temporary. The effects of pills wear out. Doctors cannot stop time. There really is no hope in the darkness that is this hopeless world.

The twinkling lights shine in the dim like stars fallen from the sky. From a child I have grown only to realize that by the time I realized the solution I had forgotten the question...realizing that I would never know everything this side of eternity. Realizing there will always be more questions than answers...

I am a speck.

But, there is hope in a dying world. (We are all born to die.) And, that has always been the reason for the shiny streamers, intoxicating aromas of cedar, pine, and pumpkin, and the festivities of family fun. Hope. That a Child was born...but not for a moment in time, like me. But One who lives for Eternity, so I can have peace.

Peace in Christ to all, and to all a good night.

This has long been in the intro to my website. I didn't feel like chunking it, as it has also long been where my heart is...resting in the peace that passes understanding, though the waves may rock.

"Welcome into a journey with daily struggles and joys that sometimes feels like standing with one foot planted firmly atop a snow-crested mountaintop feeling the freedom of the breeze where only eagles dare fly; while the other foot is trapped in a snake infested swamp, and wondering where to turn. I found an answer in the hope and communion with a loving and merciful God who understands, and wants to be an integral part of our everyday lives

I love making music. It has long been for me an obsession through which I express through vocal, percussion, guitars, and electronica/digital mediums. I have been a music lover and performer since childhood, beginning in church and continuing through times when discovering that sticks and a bucket can keep a rhythm. I have learned to play a variety of musical instruments and styles throughout my life."

Here's some that I've already posted, and didn't want to chunk:

Someday (I’ll Understand)

It seems a forever and a day
Since I went away (…since I went away.)
And this cold, tired road
Just keeps on rolling on.
(…just keeps on rolling on)
(and) All these treasures that I found
And lost along the way,
I keep, cause they’re my brighter day.

Someday I’ll understand
What it means to be a man.
I’ll understand these mysteries
That still baffle me…may be.

Through this pain glass I see
Another stop sign crowd the busy street,
Crowds my busy mind.
And, I sit upon the edge
Of this old Greyhound,
Lost in sleepless dream.
Yeah, I’m headed out on the road
With another song in my soul…
Gotta’ make it to another show.

Someday I’ll understand
What it means to be a man.
I’ll understand these mysteries
That still baffle me…may be.


the conclusion

i have come to the conclusion of the whole matter concerning the current situations encompassing the entirety of this little floating rock...we should just concentrate on the graciousness of a loving and caring God and the awesome sacrifice of His Son Jesus Christ (as it states at the end of Ecclesiastes...)

why?

cause the rest of this world is crazy. have you stopped to take a look at the insanity wreaking havoc all around. choose life, people. its a pretty simple choice, really. pick the future that's eternal and true, and leave the rest of all that other stuff behind...whatever the cost.

trust me. it's worth it.


jOy!

Don’t run from the lions,
Stand in the midst of flame.
For this trial will soon be over,
And with it, all of it’s pain.
For You have turned for me
Mourning into dancing.
I will sing the dawn.
Forever my glory will bring
To You, this joyful song.
Joy!
I found joy here.
I found joy unspeakable here.
I cant help but wonder
Why did you save this man?
Cause it seems like every step I take
Is one further back again.
But, you’ve removed these filthy rags,
And clothed me in the finest gown.
I’ve found a joy in this dancing,
And a love that must abound.
Joy!
I found joy here.
I found joy unspeakable here.




Untitled

See...
Here's the shell that you gave me
on our walk along the shore.
I haven't had that much fun
since I was a child.
Never in a million years
could I have imagined
that you would save my life,
and give me love.
I can still taste the salty brine
of the gulf
when I hold that shell


driving down the PCH

a red-tail hawk dodges raindrops
over a pasture sparsely decorated
in colorful splashes
near the briny beach.
i can't help but wonder,
as the highway passes by
'neath the rumbling rubber
and the sprinklets
spattering upon glass
what it must feel like
to fly...



For A While

When you close your eyes,
Does silence say nothing?
Well it means something
To someone who knows.
That’s why I lift my eyes to the sky
And forget this world for a while

Cause it’s another day,
Another dawn,
Another chance to carry on,
And be free for a while
Its another chance,
Another dream,
Another change to change the scene,
And be free for a while.

Clear your head of unforgotten imaginations
With the sound of drifting away.
Take my hand, take a journey
Up on high,
Out of the world’s eyes.

Cause it’s another day,
Another dawn,
Another chance to carry on,
And be free for a while
Its another chance,
Another dream,
Another change to change the scene,
And be free for a while.

Gotta’ be free.


Per Se
Words cannot express lonliness...
no matter how hard they try.
There is no logical deduction
offering solution.
Philosophy
cannot explain away the pain I see
of the lost in a
blind
oblivious
world.
So,
I have discovered the answer to the question,
"WHY?"
(Is this all there is?
This,
and then we die?)
No, Life is
somtimes living through the pain...
and, learning,
to Live is Christ.
To die...
Gain.
Paz.